Many of you have probably wondered why I haven't blogged much recently. Every day while I shower I have been composing a blog post to try to explain what our lives have been like. Dix posted this on his Facebook today and agreed to let me post it here.
I have always considered myself a happy go lucky kind of guy. Yes I have had my struggles and insecurities during different times in life. When I lost the business in the down turn of the economy of 2007 I thought that was rough. I figured foreclosing on a house and moving away was a tough thing to do and when I filed bankruptcy that was hard too. Yes those were times when I questioned my drive and my ability to be productive again.
There have been times when I have felt alone. But it didn’t last long. There are times I felt “down” but nothing could have prepared me for the experience of the last six months.
Depression – weird stuff. Some understand it, some empathize, others don’t have a clue what to do or say and think you can just flip some switch and “snap out of it." I’m not saying any of those are wrong, they are just feelings. I used to be one that would think just get off your lazy duff and take care of your life. Oh, did I eat crow on that one along with a little serving of humble pie and got eat shit just to top it off.
Here is where I was…. I felt a loneliness I never hope to feel again. I felt that anything I could contribute to my family, work, myself, friends or strangers would never measure up for someone as worthless as I felt. When you don’t feel like you are worth anything, and I mean if you have really experienced it, it is a scary place to be. When you wake up every day and think why the hell do I have to do this again today. Yeah, I did think of dying a lot. When you’re at that place where thinking of being dead sounds better than being alive it makes you feel worthless. It’s kind of a cycle but only goes downward. Your mind says that there is NO way out. That you will feel like this forever, every day you wake up you’re gonna wish you didn’t. You start to get where you pull away from everyone and everything.
Pulling away from people because you don’t get why they love you or like you or even tolerate you anymore. You feel it is better to sever everything in your life and be alone because you make them worse off by being around them. You feel you have become the reason for all the suffering that goes on around you. So you want to remove yourself from their lives because they will be better off without you. Some just become a recluse, others take drugs to dull the pain, or drink to stop the feelings you have, and some commit suicide. Music for me was a solace in the pain. I would put my headphones on and shut the problems out or go on a run. There were times when I thought how easy it would be to take one drink and that it would be so nice. There were a few times when I “felt” like I had run out of energy, will, and options. It was at those times that I would think of my son Landon. For some reason the thought of him during those times really helped me. Thank freaking heavens!!
Nobody knows what to say if you say you feel like you want to be dead so usually you don’t talk about it. Then you come across somebody that has been or is where you are and they totally get every nuance of the thoughts. When most people who have never been that “down” could not think of anything that could make you feel that way. I used to be one of them.
Truly when you hurt so bad and feel so worthless those terminal thoughts accompany you. Why? Because the thought of death brings an end to the suffering you’re experiencing at that moment.
Why am I being so open about this on Facebook? Because people need to know what it is like to be depressed, etc. It is like wearing a heavy wet blanket. Sure there are times you feel fine and hopeful but then the negative wheels start turning and you just want to make it through the end of the day. I felt like I couldn’t plan for next week let alone how I was going to provide for a family and work and be happy. It was a drain on me emotionally, spiritually, and physically.
I did have the ringing thought “I am not yet as Job.” I still have my friends and family. Truly some of the only light that could punch through the darkness was that of friends. There are a few of you who will read this and know how much your kind words and encouragement has meant to me now and during that dark time. Others of you have no clue that a simple smile or honest words have helped me when I felt helpless.
One lesson I did learn through my experience is that true friends are just that, true. They don’t have to sugar coat what they say or tell you what you want to hear, they just tell you the truth. Hence “true friends.”
When I went to UT to interview for the job up there I was hoping for peace when I got the job offer but no peace was to be had by that decision. I was running in any direction I thought would better my situation. Sometimes you just get tired of the running around. Kinda like in Forrest Gump when he just stopped and said he wanted to go home. That is I think the best analogy of what happened to me. I was told I needed to find my happy place and work on me. That was on my mind when I decided to not take the job in UT and finally a little relief came to my heart. To some it probably seemed foolish to not work when I have had such a hard time finding anything. I made the right decision. Of that I have no doubt.
Things slowly got better in my head. The negative tapes of all my inadequacies were slowing down. I could think clearly. I could love and feel loved again. Yes there have been moments in the last few weeks that rocked me. But the feelings didn’t hold me down. The night of my first day at work for the painting company (a temp job he worked at for a few days) I wept like a baby. I came home physically exhausted; mentally beat up and felt like that was all I would add up to was a guy puttying holes in baseboards. I was glad to have the job but felt just awful to the point of putting in the head phones and a pillow over my eyes and just crying in my room. Regan my daughter came in and asked why I was breathing all funny, I just said “sometimes Daddies cry”. She was so sweet that night. But again it didn’t stick and rule every thought. I came out of it in a couple of hours.
Now I feel like I can contribute again. I can plan for tomorrow literally and figuratively. I wish I knew what it was that changed for me. Maybe it was partly that as alone as I felt I never really was. I did have a God that loved me, a family and friends that didn’t give up on me. I do feel much much better. It is nice to not carry the weight of the wet blanket of darkness, despair and solitude at the moment. I am not sure if it will happen again. But I am strong. I am worth something. I am happier than I have been in six long cold months. And thank heavens for the warmth of friends that comforted me when I felt so alone.
Depression – yep been there in the midst of it. Didn’t know how I’d make it out. Am I out of it? Yes for the time being which makes me grateful for the good and the bad we experience. I also realize how our trials are ours to own. No one else can do it for you. Sometimes you just gotta get up every day and keep moving some way, somehow.
So here is to the ones that love, nudge us back on course and let us know we are not alone or crazy.
Sometimes life is crazy.
With all the love I have,
Dixon
5 comments:
When I went through my divorce, I experienced depression. People don't understand and they think you just need to pull yourself up by the bootstraps. Not possible. It is a black nothingness and very frigtening. I do understand! I am afraid of the black nothingness and I never want to be there again. I do everything I can to avoid it and when I feel it sneaking in on me I panic. Been there Dixon. Good luck on your journey back out of the black nothingness. It made me stronger.
I have been depressed. More times than I care to count. I know others have been there, too, but as you said, our trials are ours to own. I am gently reminded that the past is past, and we don't live there anymore. I tell myself that often, as so much of my depression comes from a sad childhood. Though it's obvious that it's been a long time since I was a child, the short time I spent there had an eternal effect on the person I became. Because of that I am driven to insure (as much as I am able) a much more positive childhood for my kids. Also, major corporations, small town businesses etc., have had to file bankruptcy to recover from hard times. Bankruptcy court allows for this. Even knowing all of that, even with the kindness and caring of loved ones, reaching beyond the sadness is very difficult. But we are strong. We are survivors. Each day is a new beginning for us. I love you, and your amazing family, and we are all very fortunate to have you in our world. I know you would be there for me if I need you. You can expect the same from me. You are never alone in this. Mari
Nothing you said, Dix, was unfamiliar to me: same feelings - different situations. I've been at my lowest only once and have literally fought tooth and nail (and tears and tantrums) to not hit that low again. When you described the wet blanket analogy, I had a remembrance of those exact feelings, including the pit in my stomach. Thank you for putting into words what so many feel. God does love us, but Satan wants us to be miserable. My fiery red-headedness wouldn't let him "win" my recent battles. God bless all who literally know your pain.
Feeling this type of pain and hoping to come out the other side strong and insightful like you.
I like your reference to those 'feelings of Job' to try and put things in perspective. I can honestly say that I would never wish this loneliness and utter feelings of despair on my worst enemy. I also share those feelings of being a 'burden' to my husband and kids.....for lack of a more descriptive word, it sucks beyond my comprehension.
I know there are those 'rooting', praying and, at times, carrying me on both sides of the veil, and would do anything to ease my pain....very hard to fathom, but I know it is a reality...though right now everything, including getting out of bed is almost paralyzing to me.
Music is also a mainstay for me...it helps me through the day, and sometimes the hour. That is the time when I feel my Savior, for it brings comfort to my soul, not necessarily peace right now. Music touches a place in my heart where nothing else can penetrate. It seems like total darkness anywhere else.
I hope to tackle this most fearsome demon and experience the 'refiner's fire' with humility and the ability to be taught by those above. I want to be healthier mentally, more stable, and perhaps even happy . Can't comprehend this, even though I have not been in a dark pit forever...just feels like it.
Thank you for those honesty and 'authenticity' in your words and thoughts...I am working on implementing them into my daily life. I'm sure it will be somewhat different for me, just for the fact that I am the mother, and supposedly nurturer in the family..I don't have to provide financially for them.
I pray for your continued success and thank you for being a dear friend to me.
Dix, this is Brian Habel. You are not alone, I've been there. Michael McLean, who comes down to St George to do The Forgotten Carols, he suffers with it, which really surprised me. Do you remember Joe Scardina in Lacey Wa? I used to visit with him quite a bit and I know he suffered with it from time to time. I knew I was not helping my image with my other friends, even my wife at the time, by visiting so much with him. He was one of my main friends at the time and there is a stigma that can carry like you were saying where people improperly judge. I couldn't have cared less for when these people suffer mostly chemically I'm with you, we really have no basis to judge. Kath and I have been struggling a bit with Brett recently having struggles. I remember having a good connection with you Dixon and feel to say, carry on. Get Michael Wilcox's stuff about C.S. Lewis, this helped me a lot through tough times. That ones worth is more than kingdoms and civilizations that pass away over long periods of time means to me to just get through the CRAP holding fast to Christ and your family and we'll definitely see and be familiar with each other again. I used to tell Joe Scardina when he was depressed to think about a lathe, like from wood shop. You turn that little wheel on there and it takes ALL you have to fight, then slowly things start to improve to where 'Just Hold On, Hold On... The Light Will Come' and this is exactly what it's like. You've described it so well my iPad typing is so slow and up in SLC, for brief time, but really wanted to respond- hold on and I'm so glad you could be feeling better. Dixon you are so cool and have always been a genuine person, this is just not going away; people, everyone I knew and know really care about you. Basically, you are really a likeable as a person. Hold your head up high! On another note I've been wondering if as my real estate website is number 1 that l might could hire a buyers agent and I'd go after seller leads. It is or is not a pipe dream, I do have consistent lead flow but I'd have to make another thing work, going after sellers only to revert to what I know was working, my buyers, pushing you back out on your own. You'd have your Realtors license at that point and could do your own business in any event. Real estate fluxes in and out so I do not think it is anymore consistent that might be better to go after. That all said, I,d probably give it a whirl and you could call me anytime to discuss it if you became interested. The thing Realtors lack the most is good lead flow and I at least MAY be able to provide that possibly even for a few years. Can be a good way to break into the industry. Take care and God bless! (goto Google and type in St George Real Estate or St George Utah Real Estate and I should be showing number one, for the last five years, well numb two on one of them, used to be, now most time am number one on Both).
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